cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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