jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
