...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
