Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
