see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
