Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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