I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
