I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
