I just threw up on my dentist
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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