Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His hands were made for my vagina.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
