I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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