her vagine was all disorganized.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
