The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
