The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
