Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
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he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
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Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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