My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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