on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
