My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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