Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
