what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
