I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
