TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
