It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
