Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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