So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
