My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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