Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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