I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
