My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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