$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's shark week go big or go home
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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