Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
