just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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