im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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