And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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