He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
