Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
