Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
