Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
