i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
