you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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