life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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