rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
