no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
