You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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