He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
