So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
