well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
