I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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