it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
