just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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