got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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