He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
