Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
