She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
