According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
