when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
