tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
