just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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