For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
