I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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