Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
