Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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